


Touch & Feel

by Farquad



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at British, Attempt at Humor, Awkwardness, Fluff, Get Together, Hogwarts Shenanigans, Light Angst, Lighthearted, M/M, MWPP, Masturbating, Romance, Slice of Life, Snivellus is mentioned, The dorm life, Will leave you wounded for life man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29968104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farquad/pseuds/Farquad
Summary: Remus discovers the art of masturbating on accident.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	Touch & Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday Remus Lupin!!🌙🌙🌙

Rubbing his dick against the mattress felt _good_.

It was with a slight grimace on his face that he tentatively started grinding his pelvis against the soft mattress, slow at first, then deeper thrusts, surprised by the spark of pleasure warming his belly. It felt good. It felt… like his penis was growing hard.

With a light whimper and a creased forehead, he found himself trying to rub himself closer to the mattress, and faster, and harder. It felt like his whole body had caught fire. Like warm ember enclosing him from all sides.

The warm feeling build up in his stomach, centering there. His fringe stuck to the light sheen of sweat on his forehead, and he buried his face into the pillow, lowly crying from the feeling. It only felt better and better.

What was this new feeling?

With a trembling hand he reached down between his legs, hand slipping under the waistband of his pajama pants, small fingers wrapping around his throbbing length. He was hard and wet and touching himself made it even more intense. With his shaky hand he stroked himself, and suddenly it all climaxed.

“Ah,” He lightly whimpered, turning in on himself, crying into his pillow. The tingles exploded on his skin, pleasure creeping down his spine. For a few seconds everything was light and good and euphoric.

And then it faded. Confused, surprised, and happy and also just a bit scared, he opened his eyes and glanced under the blanket in the faint light.

His face was flushed red, and his hand was sticky. Something watery was covering his hand, and most of his dick as well. The clear liquid smelled.

Somehow he knew he shouldn’t tell anyone about this.

***

That was the first time it happened. At the time he’d been a thin eight years old on a sleep over at his cousin’s summer house. He usually didn’t sleep over at friends a lot, for several seasons. The first being that he didn’t have a lot of friends, and the second being that he was a werewolf, and sleeping over always made a risk of people getting a glimpse of his original scar.

But that night he’d been in the guest bedroom of his cousin’s house, woken up burning hot like fire among the flowery tapestries and rose curtains. That night he’d just… come across that thing. That magical thing that he knew he had to keep a secret.

He was so used of being in pain. Every full moon he cried and screamed as his bones cracked and changed places. He scratched himself into a bleeding pulp only to suffer through the healing process afterwards. In school he was teased and mocked for being thin and frail, and at home he had to witness his parent’s pitiful and concerned gazes as they tried to take care of him, and support him and help him, even though they could never do enough. There would never be enough help for Remus. There was no cure for his condition.

Homework piled up, he was home ‘sick’ from school, relatives wondered why they didn’t come over for Christmas. Then Remus grew older, and got his letter from Hogwarts. Albus Dumbledore came for a visit, and Remus didn’t think he’d ever been that nervous in his life before.

Going to magic school? Sleeping in a dorm with other boys?

When Dumbledore left, Remus threw up. He wouldn’t be able to do it. If anyone found out that he was an unregistered werewolf he’d be killed on the spot. And he didn’t have enough money to buy school books. He wouldn’t make any friends.

Life was a struggle for most, but for Remus it was a real challenge. But sometimes at night when it felt extra bad he could climb under his blanket and do that thing, that magical thing that made the pain disappear for a while. Every time it left a small smile on his face, chest bubbling with mystery, excitement and happiness. It was better than any pain-reducing potion. And it worked every time.

Now he’s safely tucked into bed in his shared dorm at Hogwarts, trying to keep the whimpering to a minimum as he touched himself in bed. He’d stayed at the castle for two months already, but he still wasn’t skilled enough of a wizard to know how to cast a silencing charm.

However, he’d discovered something incredible recently. Namely that doing the magical thing removed the pain before he would transform. He’d discovered that by doing this thing a few times before transforming, he was left with less scars, and transforming hurt less, almost as if the wolf was soothed. It only helped a bit, of course, but it felt like a major discovery.

When he’d been about to tell Madam Pomfrey of his discovery, though, his face had flushed bright red and he’d pressed his lips tightly together instead, quickly changing his mind. Because what if she wanted to see what he meant? He hadn’t heard anyone else talk about it before. And he would be quite embarrassed if he’d need to flash her with his winkie.

Tomorrow was full moon and tonight Remus was quickly touching himself until his whole body was aching with need, heart racing and mouth half open as he silenced his whines into his pillow. Everything was light and tingly, and this time of month he could never get enough of it. He’d done this two times today already, and he knew that tomorrow would be worse. But when he did this he felt easier, calmer, like him and the wolf finally agreed on something for once.

But just because of that doing the thing made him feel gross and animalistic sometimes. He tried pushing those thoughts away. Nothing could be worse than being a beast anyway. He was already down at the bottom of the awful scale, so doing this couldn’t make him any worse than he already was.

Atleast, he hoped so.

***

On his third year at Hogwarts the conversation in the dorm room he shared with his marauder friends suddenly changed into something that made his heart jolt.

For the first time in five years he understood that he was not the only one doing the magical thing. It was both soothing and terrifying. Soothing because it meant that at least some part of him was normal, and terrifying because he hadn’t thought his friends did that.

“ _Wank...ing_?” Remus said, hands tightly clutching his tattered school book laying on his lap. They’d just returned back to the dorm after supper, Sirius insisting that they needed to think of a suiting Halloween prank for the Slytherins. Peter had dropped into his bed, rubbing his stomach, when the strange conversation had started.

(“How about we write _wankers_ all over their table, huh? Should suit the gits!” Sirius offered, dropping into James’ bed with him, as Remus picked up his potions school book, dreading the hours he’d need to spend re-writing his failed essay for the second time. He was buggers at potions.

“What’s a wanker?” Remus said as he opened his book on the right page. He’d come across the term too many times to count over the years as Hogwarts, but lately Sirius and James were just spitting it out constantly, and the one time Remus had asked professor Flitwick about it it had earned him five points reduced from Gryffindor.

Peter laughed nervously, eyes darting to James who offered Remus a funny smile.

“Snivellus is a wanker,” Sirius excellently explained, dramatically draping himself over James’ pillows.

“So a wanker is a Slytherin then?” Remus clarified. It would make sense.

“Moony, are you serious?” James raised his eyebrows. “Do you now know what a wanker is?”

Remus furrowed his brows, growing a bit annoyed. “Well, are you going to tell me or not?”

“Ah Moons, always so innocent.” Sirius blew him a kiss before exchanging a look with James and bursting out laughing. Peter looked mildly constipated from where he was still rubbing his stomach on his bed.

“You’re a wanker if you indulge in wanking,” James so kindly explained for him. Remus, however, was no wiser.”)

“Wank...ing?” Remus repeated. James started doing odd gestures with his right hand, while laughing with Sirius who joined in. It took exactly three seconds until Remus’ stomach dropped and his face flushed bright red.

Oh.

So that’s what it’s called.

“You don’t know what it is?” James urged, before dropping the act with Sirius. He nodded at Sirius. “Oi, Siri, why don’t you show him?”

“Sod off.” Sirius wrestled James in bed and they started a quite passionate pillow fight. Peter laughed nervously at them, but Remus glanced down at his book, finger nervously scraping at the worn hard cover.

His heart was racing in his chest and his face was flushed hot. He opened the book in the middle and tried to act like normal. Wanking. James and Sirius and even Peter knew about it, and now that he thought about it, every person he’d ever heard speak the word must know about it as well.

This was embarrassing.

Always avoiding confrontation, he pretended like nothing after that incident. He finished his potions homework, after some much needed help from Sirius, even though he kept running off ever five minutes, and later helped his friends plan a much stupid prank on the Slytherins that was sure to earn them all one hundred points reduced, and detention for a month.

Remus really didn’t know how to say no to his friends.

***

When did it start? The strange noises he heard at night.

He had good hearing, and a good sense of smell as well, with being a werewolf at all, so he couldn’t really help waking up from the… _sounds_. It started sometime in fourth year. Perhaps it had been going on longer, but that’s when he started waking up from it. The first time he heard James mumble love confessions to Evans into his pillow, while his bed creaked suspiciously, he was both embarrassed and bothered.

It wasn’t worse than Peter though. Oh, nothing was worse than Peter. Twice had Remus heard Peter choke whimpers into his pillow at night, but it was more than enough to scar him for the rest of his life and make him feel green in the face for two whole days afterwards. James and Peter should really put some more effort into learning that silencing charm. Remus, still terrified of confrontation and conflict, would never find it in him to tell his friends that he’d heard them and had been disturbed, but if he could’ve, he would've.

The thought hit him that perhaps someone had heard _him_. It made him panic for a moment, until he realized that then they would’ve called him out on it. His friends weren’t as sensitive as him. They were Gryffindor’s after all.

Strange noises at night was bothersome. But then there was Sirius.

Only once had he heard soft sounds leak from Sirius’ bed at night, but he still remembers it as if it was yesterday. The faint but delicate cries into his pillow, the soft creaking of his bed. The way Remus had lied perfectly still in his own bed, hands clutching the sheets nervously as he held his breath, drinking in every last whine coming from Sirius’ bed that was adjacent to his own.

That night Remus hadn’t slept at all. He’d felt incredibly hot, and profoundly confused, when the sounds stopped and Sirius went to bed, Remus now unable to lie comfortably in bed, his face flushed and heart racing in his ears.

At breakfast it was hard looking Sirius in the eyes. He kept flushing whenever he saw him, and when he watched him grab a slice of bread with his pale hands at breakfast, knowing that he’d touched himself with _those hands_ only a few hours prior, his stomach flipped and he didn’t feel hungry at all.

Sirius, of course, noticed his strange behavior. Sirius was not an observant person in general. He could go days without noticing that Alice was missing from class. Once Frank had gotten hexed into growing a bright orange curly beard for a month, but he hadn’t noticed that either. His attention was constantly hopping from one prank to another, not observant or smooth at all.

But the moment Remus didn’t eat his usual eggs and bacon Sirius pointed it out and asked him if something’s bothering him. If Remus overslept he asked him if he was okay, if he was anxious for the upcoming full moon. If Remus arrived late for supper he frowned, telling him that if any of the Slytherin gits had mocked him again he’d gladly hex all their fingers off and replace them with slugs, just to defend Remus and make him feel safe.

Sometimes it felt like Sirius didn’t notice anything at all, but _Remus_.

It was a stupid thought. To think that Remus would be special in some sort of way. He was a monster, that’s all. Sirius was a good friend, that’s all.

But if Sirius was a friend like James and Peter, why hadn’t Remus been grossed out when he heard _them_ wank beside him?

“Oi Jamie, pass me the jam,” Sirius urged James, who was busy blowing a much irritated Lily kisses across the long Gryffindor table. When James didn’t hear him Sirius turned to Peter instead, who was currently stuffing his face full of sausages as if they only had a few hours left to live. “Hey Pete, pass me the jam.”

Peter hurriedly grabbed the first jar of jam he found and gave to Sirius, who started preparing a sandwich that was basically the whole jam jar smeared on it. Sirius then held it out for Remus.

“Here you go Moons, eat up.” Sirius’ smile was proud and satisfied. But it quickly dropped when Remus didn’t grab the sickly sweet offering.

“I think I will just go back to the dorm,” Remus excused himself.

“ _Moony_!” Sirius whined, still trying to make him grab the sandwich. He was making a scene, and Remus felt his cheeks blush when he noticed people from other tables sending them looks.

Remus left for the dorm and threw himself into bed, feeling heavy in a strange way he couldn’t quite define. He was already thin, scarred and weird. He was the first werewolf at Hogwarts ever. He was strange, different – _bad_.

But there was a new weight on his shoulders. And even though he didn’t know what it meant, he knew that it had something to do with Sirius.

He knew that there was another secret to carry, but this one was the heaviest of them all.

***

The air was tense and he had no idea why.

It was early spring in his fifth year, only a few weeks since his birthday. He was resting in the hospital wing after the last full moon. He’d been sleeping most of the day, but he felt surprisingly good. He usually never woke up feeling _good_. Sated, happy, blissful. He had less scars than he was used to, and there was this strange satisfied feeling in his chest. He’d been too dizzy to think more about it earlier, but now that his friends sat on stools all around his hospital bed, it he remembered about it, because the comfortable feeling disappeared, instead replaced by something tense.

Embarrassment, he would say.

Merlin, it was so tense it was even hard to breathe. Suffocating, thick air. 

Embarrassment, and slight panic, was the look on Peter’s face as he awkwardly placed a box of chocolate frogs on his nightstand table. James mirrored his expression, even though he tried to laugh and act like the tension wasn’t there. He patted Remus’ leg stiffly and put a stack of fine dark chocolate on the table, Remus' favorite that Remus only allowed his friends to buy him during full moon. It was too expensive.

The behavior of his friends was highly suspicious. The moment his friends walked inside his separate room in the hospital wing it became tense, awkward and embarrassed. Now James gave him his favorite chocolate. Sirius didn’t look him in the eyes. Didn’t even say hello as he entered. Merely stared at a spot on the floor. His cheeks were bright scarlet.

Remus’ stomach tensed. “Did I kill anyone?” He croaked, half as a joke, half seriously. He remembered about that strange satisfaction he’d felt. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. _No_ , he thought. _Did someone innocent sneak into the shack at night? Who did I murder?_

But there wasn’t terror on his friends faces, nor guilt. It was just raw embarrassment.

“Did I… crap my trousers?” Remus offered, meeting James’ gaze. Usually his friends stormed into his room with chants of ‘Oh messrs Moony, you are alive!’ and ‘We went to Hogsmeade last night! It was mad!’ but now it was simply. _Silence_. Remus couldn’t stand it.

Then the most awkward, dry laugh in the history of laughs made it out of Peter’s chubby lips. His eyes widened and he quickly faced the floor, scratching the back of his neck absentmindedly.

“Who died?” Remus urged. He would’ve liked to slap James’ arm, since he sat the closest, but his arms were still bandaged. It didn’t hurt right now, but it sure would if he were to indulge in any sudden movements.

“We uhm.” James bravely looked him in the eyes, looking a both like he fought the need to laugh and hurl. “Last night. Forbidden forest.”

“Why are you acting so strange?” Remus seriously started worrying now. His friends had followed him during full moon since the beginning of his fifth year, and it had been incredible. He no longer felt as dreadful and scared when he was about to transform, even if it was a risky mission every time, and he felt guilty keeping this from Dumbledore’s back. This behavior right now didn’t add up.

“The wolf tried to knot me,” Sirius blurted so fast that Remus nearly didn’t hear him. But he did. And he wished he hadn’t.

“What,” Remus breathed, all color draining from his face. Did he? Hear wrong?

“Moony started humping Padfoot when we started returning home after spending some time in the forest,” James explained, voice and face equally pained, cringing almost. “He, uhm.” He looked at Peter for help, but Peter sat perfectly still, face beet red, staring at the floor. “He growled at me when I tried to stop him, didn’t really stop until...”

“Until?” Remus piped, face pale, cold. His heart stopped beating and started racing at the same time. _No, no, no! Please no! By Merlin’s bloody beard, no!_ He almost started crying right there. This was terrible.

For a whole year he’d kept his feelings for Sirius to himself. The last month it had started going out of control, with how Sirius had started his new habit of walking around the dorm shirtless after Quidditch practice. Since a few months back he’d started creeping into Remus’ bed when he had nightmares. Remus didn’t mind at all. But he woke up with boners at night, the wolf practically screaming at him to _mate Sirius Black!_ until he had to help himself in the bathroom.

When he transformed into Moony he wasn’t human anymore, simply an animal with instincts. But his friends kept their minds. His friends remembered.

Remus suddenly wanted to die.

“He didn’t, uh, _put it in_.” James grimaced from a mental imagine that made Remus’ heart race harder in his chest. “He missed the goal to say. Aimed for the goalposts but the bludger missed. Didn’t stop until he had finished though. Took… up to an hour? Yeah. Then the sun was rising and it was time to transform back.”

Remus lied still. “Is this a prank?” He asked faintly.

But James offered him a pitiful pat on the shoulder. “Sorry mate, it happened.”

Remus suddenly understood why Sirius didn’t look him in the eyes. Only two nights ago they’d slept together in Remus’ bed, Remus holding Sirius from behind, even though Sirius always claimed that he was the bigger spoon. Somehow it felt like everything they had, their beloved friendship, cracked and shattered into bigger pieces by the second.

“Yeah but Siri has something to tell you so Wormy and I gonna give you some privacy, right Pete?”

James stood up, a squeaking Peter following suit. Remus almost shouted for them to stay. But they left. Remus watched the white hospital door close after them with a tight feeling in his chest. He firmly looked at the door, willing the tears to stay in his eyes.

What did Sirius want to tell him? He could only imagine.

_I don’t want to be your friend anymore. You really scared me last night. You are a beast after all. You’re disgusting. I didn’t know you were a fag._

Remus started hyperventilating, the whole year of bottled up emotions washing over him, mixing with fear and pain and nervousness. But then he felt something warm. Lift the blanket and grab one of his well bandaged hands. Remus slowly turned his head to the side, just as Sirius sat down on the side of the hospital bed, taking one of Remus’ hands in his own. His grey eyes were thoughtful, but not hostile.

Sirius’ hand was damp. Remus’ own was trembling.

“I know what you’re thinking, Moony,” Sirius started, the troubled look on his face changing for something close to fondness. A look not known to many. Sirius Black was usually the epitome of cocky, confident and insensitive. Well, on the outside anyway. “You’re beating yourself up in your head right now, but you don’t have to.”

“Hm?” Was the only sound leaking from Remus’ lips. He was so nervous. Stomach hurting and heart aching from the way it was racing in his chest. It was hard to breathe. Sirius smelled so good as well. Sometimes Remus pressed his nose against his hair when they slept in the same bed, only to rejoice from the way the smell lit him up from inside.

“I didn’t- I didn’t _mind_.” Sirius’ eyes flashed with nervousness. It took a while until those words sunk in and reached Remus’ drugged brain. “It’s okay if the wolf fancies Padfood, it took me by surprise, I mean but-”

“It’s not- not Moony,” Remus found himself saying. The words just spilled from his lips before he had a chance to stop it. His hand started trembling even more violently from where it was safely resting in Sirius'. “It’s _me_ Sirius, I-, it’s me who fancy _you_. The wolf must’ve sensed it and it saw its chance then, I think, I can’t remember anything, I-”

He stopped rambling. He hadn’t realized that he was crying until he felt warm, long fingers gently brush away the tears from his cheeks. He couldn’t look Sirius in the eyes. It felt like the whole world was collapsing around him. Falling apart at the seams. He’d just ruined everything. The only good friends he’d had. Of course he had to fall in love with his best friend. That was just the kind of bad luck that Remus Lupin always had had. The Gods were always laughing at him from up there, watching him trip and fall on every little trap they put his way.

Waiting for the cursing and rejection was painful. But it never came. Instead he felt the bed dip further as Sirius lied down beside him, looking at him from the side. Remus felt his gaze burn on the side of his face. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. Felt like his body was on fire. He wished he could take back what he’d said. What if someone had heard them from the other side of the door? Unless Sirius said something soon he’d throw up all over them. Actually, he might do that even if Sirius spoke to him.

“I told James something last Christmas,” Was what Sirius said. Remus lied perfectly still. “I like blokes.”

It felt like the wheels in his head stopped turning once again. “What?” Remus so eloquently asked. He’d always been good with words, but not when it really counted.

“I like dick, Remus,” Sirius clarified for him, this time with a gentle press to Remus’ hand. “So I didn’t mind when you humped as a wolf.”

“Oh.” Remus nodded, very slowly, he was still sore. He turned his head to the side, meeting Sirius’ clear grey eyes. There was a nervous but honest expression on his face. They were so close. Remus could even smell his breath. He’d always loved being close to Sirius like this. It was rare. Felt like the whole universe stopped then.

“And I fancy you too,” Sirius said, even though it looked like it was physically painful to speak the words. Looked a bit like he vomited them out. It landed all over Remus. He felt it all over his body.

“What,” Remus repeated. Face flushing red. His heart skipped and jumped in his chest, before settling for racing. A smile splayed his lips before he could stop himself. “ _What_?” He repeated, louder this time, big grin on his lips. It had been a whole _year_.

“I think your scars are sexy,” Sirius confessed, biting his lip in a smirk. “And all of your big and fancy words too, even though I never really understand them.”

Remus couldn’t stop smiling. His heart was racing and he still felt nauseous, but in a good way. A very good way. Sirius Black, the most handsome boy at Hogwarts, the guy who broke hearts on a daily basis, _liked_ Remus back.

“You know how much I love your smile, Moons,” Sirius cooed, eyes darting to Remus’ lips. “Trying to seduce me already? Wanna snog?”

Remus sputtered, heart jolting again. Sirius laughed at him.

“Ah, my bad. You wanna shag of course. _Mate_ , perhaps. Would you like to mate me, Mister Moony?”

Remus was too flabbergasted, shocked, happy and embarrassed to tell him to sod off.

Snog? Shag? Mate? It was a miracle he didn’t pass out right there.

“Don’t feel embarrassed over anything, okay? I’ll always be there for you, Remus.” Sirius’s words made Remus’ insides feel warm like liquid. And then Sirius leaned in, and their lips brushed together softly. Remus’ stomach swirled, like butterflies. Sirius’ lips were just as soft and sweet as they were in his dreams. But their faces were close. He could hear Sirius breathing nervously. Feel his clammy hand in his own. He pressed at Sirius’ hand, before lacing their fingers. It felt good. He closed his eyes.

***

At age sixteen and a half Remus discovered that doing the magical thing with Sirius felt twice as good as doing it on your own.

But also, that not only the wolf fancied the idea of mating.

Sirius could be a real animal in bed. But he said Remus was the real beast.

He just loved being touched. He loved Sirius so much.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> So okay, literally posted this 23:59, still 10th of March!! Still Remus' birthday!!  
> But yes. This little thing is the first Wolfstar fic I write in 3 years. 3 years is usually what it takes before any Wolfstar trash finds my works, so I will anticipate the first (and only, eventual) kudos by the year of 2024! Wrote this for you, mate :') 
> 
> (Harry Potter and all characters belong to JK Rowling. I own nothing. Not even my soul who belongs to Remus Lupin who would've celebrated his 61th birthday today.) I hope you liked this fic! 🌙🐺🌕


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